10/27 - Blondie - AN ATTITUDE READJUSTMENT WITH LAZARUS

[blondie]

On Saturday, as our group assembled at the Opulence tent, Dymuntz called me over to where she stood, away from everyone else. Our interactions up to that point had been mostly limited to making eye contact from a distance, cute little curtsey gestures, and one time where I forced her to acknowledge me by the shitters. So I knew if she wanted to talk to me, that it would be important.

She asked me to say her name. I tried to be clever… I should’ve known better. She set me straight, saying her name is Dymuntz and she has earned that name (yes my queen, you absolutely have). She then gave me a choice. I could enter the tent as an Elite, assuming my responsibilities. Or I could turn away, and go back to my “friends” (the air quotes were hers). While obviously I was given a choice, for me… it wasn’t a choice at all.

I don’t belong in that tent. My craft is connected deeply to the earth, the elements, and to compassion. That is where my power lies.

I told her that everything that happened in the tent was a distraction and I was here for something real.

So I walked past the group, and back out into the carnival, without any doubt, without looking back. I returned to my new family. At times, both Lazarus and Dymuntz expressed sadness at my decision, and while I truly like them both, it wasn’t enough to shake my conviction.

For the rest of that night and the beginning part of Sunday, I took up a seat at the Glory Hole. Watching. Learning. But I was never alone for long. There was always someone coming to chat. My relationships with the Redcurves blossomed and deepened in a variety of ways. They knew I had chosen them over the Elites. And as I became… assimilated… I guess I got swept up in shit talking. It seemed fair game - some of the ways the Elites talked about people in general, but the Redcurves specifically, had made me so angry. So I felt I was balancing the scales a little.

Then I saw Lauren walk towards me with something in her hands. I had complicated feelings about Lauren from our first meeting, but she seems to really like me. Her face was not friendly this time.

“What did you do?”

She placed a hood over my head and led me away from the Glory Hole. When the hood was removed, I was in front of the Opulence tent with Julian. I was surprised. I thought, after making my choice, I would never be entering that tent again.

Inside, Lazarus stood on the stage, the mirrors either side, angled towards the sofa where I was told to sit. I had been seen skulking behind the tent with Cletums. Lazarus wanted me to tell him what we had talked about.

Lazarus knew that I knew. He has formed a relationship with Cletums, feeding him milk from his hands, stepping into a father-like role in a way Cletums desires but isn’t getting from Dorothea.

But I didn’t tell. Instead, I focused on my concern for Cletums, trying to tap into that part of Lazarus that has made this connection with a fucked up kid. I want to believe that Lazarus wants to help Cletums and probably stop him from making his situation worse (as do I). Because… in trying to prove himself, I worry Cletums is gonna fuck up in a way he can never take back.

We talked about what I think I know, and all that I don’t, all the time seeing myself reflected in the mirrors.

Lazarus has never lied to me. He says this with such emotion in his eyes. And I do believe him. But I know that he has kept things from me. That doesn’t make him a villain. I have kept things from him too, and I definitely don’t see myself as a bad person. I may not like the Elites methods. The things he has done… he has had to do. He’s mentioned to both Kevin and myself that he did something “last year”, something that clearly bothers him, but that he’s not ready to share just yet.

Here’s the thing. I always talk about shades of grey. And I allowed myself to fall into binary thinking: Redcurves good, Elites bad. That’s not what this is at all. Different methods, different reasons… same goal. This can only work if we are united. You may be given a choice like I was, like Kevin and others were… but it’s a choice of path, of company, not picking a side. I needed that reminder, maybe you do too.

[haleywilde]

ugh I adore this entire post.

I have been really busy with trying to get work things in order before I come and join you in the woods, so I still need to catch up on all of your posts- but something drew me to this one first and i’m glad it did.

Picking “a side” was a large part of the foundation that was laid when I was there in September. The focus seemed to be around Campbell’s decision and helping guide our friend towards the “correct” decision. I wasn’t ever directly asked to choose, and I was grateful for that in the moment because hurting someone’s feelings is incredibly difficult for me. But I do think, after reflection, that I would be ready if presented with that decision again. And your words bring a lot of comfort to that— I’ll carry them with me if there comes a time I need some mama blondie bits of wisdom.

[campbellstruts]

I loved this post! It's hard to polarize and it's also not always necessary.

This reminds me of an instance where Jen told me I needed to bring Cletums into the opulence tent at one point. I talked with Cletums first to make sure that it was okay with him, but when he came in, it almost looked like he was being scolded by Lazarus. I never found out later what they discussed but it looked like at the end that cletums and Lazarus made up. I checked with cletums after to make sure he was okay but it was surreal watching them talk when I had thought for sure that they thought each other was the scum of the earth. there was more to it than surface level.